Life

 It's been over a month since I've written, basically since school got out. What an eventful month! Naomi's currently at Girl Scout camp and Levi's just in summer school and kids camp. Summer School drops out after this week, so the routine will change yet again. No school bus to catch in the morning, so it becomes slightly less frantic.

I've noticed lately that I have a hard time relaxing. I think I'm too online during work and searching out bad news. Yes, doomscrolling. I'm trying to cut down on that and just let myself breathe. There are no threats. There's no reason to really be nervous about anything.

Part of it, I think, is that I get very few chances now to spread out and be alone. Sarah's home ALL THE TIME. It's been ten months now. I'm not angry about it, it is what it is. But I would just like to come home and just relax by myself. Last night I was with Naomi for over three hours, which was fine, but she was defiant about changing her clothes, so I got upset at everyone, pretty much.

Levi and Naomi both enjoyed their time at the lake immensely. Both tubed and found buddies to hang out with. Cruz and Quincy and Levi were inseparable, and Naomi and Sienna were friendly. Violet also wanted to hang out with Naomi as usual.

Maybe I'll plan another solo baseball trip in September, or a trip to Chicago. I just really need the separation. It's great that the basement is looking more normal, but I just need to be alone and not "working-alone".

OOTP: 

The AAB rolls along. This week the 1980s will be done. Wisconsin just won its first title and looks to be perennial contenders. 

I'm also managing the 1956 Cubs, or the 1956 Cubs as OOTP history has them. It's an interesting team. They finished 81-73 for the past two seasons. Can we improve on that?

Life- before St Louis trip

How is it almost spring break already? I feel like we just hit Christmas, but life has flown by in the last three months. Levi's done a few chess tournaments and a recital and a talent show. Naomi's not changed all that much. 

A loaded April awaits, but tomorrow we leave for St Louis and our spring break trip. This one is more "St Louis and the surrounding area" trip. We're staying in Brentwood, which is a suburb. I'm jazzed to get out of town and given the TSA difficulties, glad we're driving. It's a long trip, but this is the third straight year we've gone 5+ hours on spring break.

Currently reading Project Hail Mary, since we want to see the movie. I really enjoy it. It's nice to read something more fast-paced.

On OOTP, I'm managing the 2018 Brewers. I always like to do teams that didn't quite get there, and the Brewers exemplify that. This is mostly a sim deal. I'm not managing every game. 

Life/Colonoscopy

I had my colonoscopy on Wednesday, and honestly, it probably was a good thing. I had to do the low-fiber diet on Sunday and Monday, which was not a big deal. I just had to cut out a few things. The liquid diet was not that disruptive either. I had a lot of jello and apple juice and didn't feel too bad.

The prep? It wasn't my favorite thing to do, but it really didn't taste like anything. More accurately, it tasted like nothing with a hint of lemon. I didn't have any trouble finishing my doses. Only at the very end did I get sick of it, and by then what was coming out of me looked as it should. I got enough rest and honestly, the quiet of the early morning was kind of nice. No kids to bother me while I read or played on my tablet.

The doctor's office was running a bit behind, so I waited for quite a while. The beds were lined up outside the procedure room and it reminded me of Pink Floyd's "On The Run" video, where a hospital bed substitutes for an airplane. I was on the runway for quite a bit before I finally got wheeled in.

The room was smaller than I thought it was going to be. It was slightly larger than a standard exam room. I turned over on my side and the anesthesiologist let me know he was starting the meds. I barely had a chance to get a word out before I lost consciousness.

I woke up to Sarah back in the waiting room. It felt like I was out for a long time, but it was only 20 or so minutes. I recombobulated and we headed out to Zebb's for a nice lunch. A Monte Cristo for me. It was nice to connect with my lovebug, but afterwards I just felt like resting, which is what I did. Sounds like another 10 years before I have to do this again. Wonder if it'll be the same technology then. 

Life

Maybe I'll just do a post every Friday.

Current mood: relaxed.

This has been a tough week, with the ICE shooting and Venezuela. I think I've been overstimulating myself as well. Listening to podcasts non-stop during the workday has cluttered my mind. I made an effort today to not do that, and so I didn't listen to anything until 10:30. Just hearing the heater or whatever ambient noise has been enough. I should not do two days in a row at home. Sarah is always there, and that's fine, but I start getting cabin fever. It's nice to have a place to go work and have a lot of space to walk and get the blood flowing.

This morning, I did my first Innovative-Summit morning in several years. I re-joined Innovative as part of my fitness routine. I had no plan for the last part of the year. I was just eating and not burning it off. So I re-joined and feel more at home there now. I did a cycle class on NYE and my neck was sore for a while, but good to try something new.

Hopefully I can stay in this state of mind. Maybe no-news Friday or unplugged Friday? I'm not going to swim every Friday. I'll probably alternate between a workout and a swim. Good to get some laps in.

Onward...

Life

Ah yes, my stomach feels like it's dropping again. I had a realization just before lunch. I'm mentally co-dependent. I stress out while I'm not with other people about their moods and the way they feel. Can I do anything about the holiday rush while I'm here? No. Can I do anything about Sarah's mood while I'm here? No. Why am I spending so much time thinking about other people and not just relaxing and enjoying myself?

It's like the DMB lyric

If you close your eyes cause the house is on fire/think you couldn't move until the fire died. 

Does everything have to be just right for me to relax? The constant feeling of being "at attention" is wearying at best and exhausting at worst.

My birthday was a mixed bag. Good birthday, getting the fridge and meat loaf and cake. Good Friday with work lunch and friends dinner. But I spent the whole weekend sick and still don't feel 100% all the time. 

Anyway, time to relax.

Life/Disney

I'm going to be honest. It's really hard to be at work today. The last almost week has been spent walking around the Disney World parks, planning what ride, show, or food is next. Today, it's just quiet and still, with the noises of the office.

I really loved this trip for us. The kids were old enough to mostly handle the lines. Sometimes they drove us a little nuts, but come on, what kid doesn't get fidgety in hour-long waits? 

Highlights:

I loved Pop Century, loved loved loved it. Our room was near the Skyliner, so the days where we were using it we had a bit of a head start. The last day, I waited in line while everyone else got ready, which was a heads-up move.

Food was good, pool time was good, and though the room seemed small when we got there, it was perfectly fine for chilling out after a day at the parks. The Murphy bed was really nice. Having the table for breakfast or games was awesome.

Skyliner was really neat as well and was a great alternative to buses (which weren't bad).

I have some sights and sounds bouncing around my head today. It's a transitional day. I was with my family for over a week straight, really. And Tony is working from home now, so no walks in person with him.

More thoughts to come, but it's just one of those days when it's hard to focus on anything but the great time we just had.

Happy Go Lucky, Fourth of July

I don't know why, but this fourth of July has brought out the anxiety in me. I get the anxiety every year going up to John's Lake. It's just a lot of people. They're all family, of course, but a crowd is a crowd no matter what. And they're a good-natured group, but there's always a little bit of kidding around and stuff that isn't my favorite. 

Maybe (and I'm just venting here) it's just the feeling that I've already had too much family time this summer. As soon as they got off school, they had a five day weekend. Then two days of summer school, then five more days on a trip to the Dells. 

Maybe it's the fact that Naomi is sometimes floating off in her own world and not paying attention to us. Levi's followed directions better and is more agreeable. He's actually a funny kid sometimes and the two of them are so innocent. Sure, they drive each other crazy sometimes, but they also have a loving relationship. They both want to do things together, but they can both be independent. That's unlike my brother and I, where I just wanted to read and be alone and have my space, while Steven did very much not want to be alone.

I still want to be alone sometimes. Sarah goes off to her book clubs, etc. She seems to think me wanting to do stuff by myself is weird, but I feel surrounded every day by them. Could I use a friend? Maybe. I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to drop my guard and accept that kind of attention. Maybe something to work on. Lots of maybes in this post.

Why do you live in the Northeast?

Post-Script:

I had an amazing weekend. I decided once I got up there that I would just be as friendly as possible and say hi to everyone and ask how they were doing. There were some slow moments where I was slightly bored, but it's such a loving group of people. The only person who bothered me at all was Ryan, who is just a doof, but everyone seems to know he's a doof. Loved the badminton with Abby, Ben, Greg and Violet. Bananagrams on Sunday with Sarah, Stacy, Linda and Steve. I get what people mean when they say they watch through their kids' eyes. Watching Levi and Naomi watch the fireworks was great, and they were so enthusiastic about tubing and other things. No kayaking this year, but something to watch for next year. I had a hard time falling asleep last night just because it seemed so quiet.

Hits and Misses- Holiday Edition

Hit: Naomi loved the Rudolph figurines that I got at Five Below. She took them with her to the library a couple times.

Hit: Levi was disappointed not to get a Nintendo Switch, but was consoled by the fact that I bought him a couple games (which he counts as 5) for the PS4, including a racing game. I was worried about his reaction, but I think he's OK. And we didn't cave and buy him something he would get addicted to. At this point, the Switch is a great visitor, but we're not ready to adopt yet.

Miss: Linda and Mary Kay were more annoying than anything else this Christmas. Mary Kay was very rude via text. "Have some consideration for others"? Ok, so we want to do things earlier than you want to. Don't show up until when you want, then. And then she corrects people at the table about songs not being carols with that little smug smirk. Then there's Linda, who I generally get along really well with. Seven grandchildren under her roof, and I was left with the question: can't you just enjoy your grandchildren? She spent more time scolding them and outright shaming them. She chided Violet for quitting piano, asking what she would do at Linda's age. Eventually, Violet just rolled her eyes and said "grandma, can't you just let me live my life?"

Hit: Really enjoyed the time with Steven and Deric. Almost fifteen hours, and it was just an easy hang. Went to Culver's, played the Switch, watched movies. Plus the cool train they brought, which I have to figure out how to fix.

Hit: Not going to Danner brunch. The food's never that good, there's no room, and no one really cares about us there anyway. The kids have nowhere to roam and just wind up bored. Plus it's a whole bunch of Danners. Some of them are fine, but Greed brings out their worst side. (The "aren't we so clever" side that feels like scolding people.

Hit and Miss: I'm eager to go to Yellowstone, but do I have to share a house with Mary Kay?

Life

September 7th. School is now back in session (or, for Naomi, in session). More adjustments, and after last Sunday (when I was a yelling lunatic) I realize that I have to be better at handling the kids' craziness. 

The kids do NOT know how to regulate themselves emotionally. Therefore, we as parents must be the regulators. That means not acting as crazily as the two of them. I can't be a screaming hothead, because then Levi is going to learn that that's how to handle things. It's not. 

On the other hand, it would be nice to not be called out by my lovely wife for things in front of them. I sometimes feel like I have three family members each picking, picking, picking at me. With the kids, it's the patience level. I can only do so much at the same time, but they want it NOW. With Sarah, it's the picking at the little details. It's up to me to make sure the jellos don't melt when I'm not even sitting there? Oy. I just need some peace sometimes.

I'm happy to be going on this trip this weekend, but part of me would just like to take a trip of my own and get away from it all. It will be nice to start the new routine fully next week, where I get a nice quiet house with Naomi on Tuesdays before sending her to school and breathing a bit.