Solo Trip

Mitchell airport

Early Friday morning

At the gate

Watching a young family and smiling

I'm not traveling with kids

I'm all alone for this trip

To see the sights in Cleveland

My stomach flutters

Can I do this by myself?

Of course

Of course I can

I'm forty-six

But admittedly used to being surrounded

Surrounded by my family

Naomi eager to snuggle

Levi keen on playing a game

I smile as I think how strange it is

48 hours without them

Without their constant need of attention

Without hearing them bicker and whine

And also

Not needing to care for them at the airport

Levi cramming his tablet into his backpack before boarding

A few deep breaths 

It's not like I'm hyperventilating

Just getting used to the idea that I can do what I want

In a few minutes I'll hear the ultimate permission

Relax and enjoy your flight

Left To Our Own Devices (Overstimulated)

We're all overstimulated
Our brains in cyberspace but with no particular destination
Floating, eyes flitting, thumbs flicking our social media feeds
We can't even watch TV without the second screen
I took my book everywhere when I was eight
Now I can't even wait at the grocery store
My hand reaches for my pocket
Looks like I have a minute
For an information drip

We can get notifications for anything

Severe weather alerts, our children's schools

But these tools get buried

Under a million others

The phone buzzes

Get 10% off your next order

Gzzzz

The latest celebrity death

Gzzzzz

What can the Vikings do at quarterback?

I can't say this without feeling old

I long for the days 

Where no one knew where I was

If I wasn't home

Where I didn't feel panic for not checking my phone

V2

Zombie time

The kids walk in the door

Or ring it a dozen times if it's locked

They throw their shoes in the closet

They might say hello

But then it's screen time

Screen time

If it's not TV, it's video games

Or a tablet

Mom stares at her phone and giggles at memes

Dad isn't sure what to do with himself

Three other people's faces lighting up

He can't give in and join

He feels resentment

Mom seems OK with them staring and nearly drooling

Sometimes doesn't seem to want to engage

He has to be the one to break the spell

Off the screens, off the screens

But Dad, when can we go back on?

If I had my way, I'd keep your devices

You'd have to go through me to get them back

Mom laughs at a video

His daughter asks his son what game he's playing

He doesn't hear with his headphones on

Dad wanders around looking for something to do

Grandpa's House (V1)

 

We’d arrive at Grandpa’s on Friday night

Pulling into the driveway and seeing the living room light

Our cousins eyes filled with delight

Some Aurelio’s pizza and 50/50 and then off to play

Or create art for the picture sale

Aunt Lori would tell the girls to get in their jammies

Grandpa’s house meant Christmas, but not only Christmas

Downtown on Christmas Eve

Two level bookstores and escalators galore

Seeing Grandpa behind the counter at Carson’s with Judy

Waiting not so patiently for Dad to get the car

Opening one gift that night

Getting dressed and the drive to Ruth’s

With Dad’s Christmas mix in the cassette player

How was that all one day

Lasagna and laughter

The church service after

And a Greek restaurant

Eyes straining to keep open

The skies always shaded red on the way back

Did Santa already arrive

But no, we hustled to bed and fast asleep

Seven or eight we’d crack the door and peep

All the presents that he delivered

By ten they’d all be in a pile

It wasn’t just Christmas, that place

Mischief, the terrifying cat

I once left the TV on the Playboy channel

Trying to see things through the scramble

It was Grandpa yelling “GET OUT OF MY CHAIR!”

Sending his grandchildren running everywhere

It was everything to us and then it was gone

My First Love

I'll never see you again

Haven't seen you in decades in fact

But you were my first love

First love, and it there was no romance

Next door neighbors for seven months

In Lisieux, France

You had a boyfriend back home

I'd come with you at night to the pay phone

You were a calm, quiet type like me

Quite the opposite of our friend Jenny

We watched TV in your room every night

The Words

The words, they follow me everywhere

Most times they make no sense

Might be from voices I heard

Or from birds on my fence

Sometimes too many words

Like side effects from drug ads

Sometimes one word over and over

Slips underneath the goalie pads

The words, they keep my eyes moving

My ears twitching

My legs jimmying

My back tightening

Those are the worry words

What if, what if, what if

I need the words that turn the corners of my lips upwards

It'll be good, it'll be fine, of course you can

Sit back and relax

Enjoy the flight

We've got it from here

Father and Dad

Levi and Naomi,

I am your father

(sigh)

Father sounds so official

It sounds like a name for the non-fun times

"Dad" sounds fun

It's what I should be called 

When we're all laughing and getting silly

You're into books right now

Where poop and diarrhea reign

Thank goodness they don't rain

My son and daughter, forgive me

I am learning on the job

And overreacting to your overreacting

Serves no greater purpose

I love being a dad

"Father" does sound like a job description

And sometimes it is a tough gig

Scrubbing out soiled underwear

Calming nerves after a fall

Guiding you through a change

Maybe sometimes "father" is necessary

To get to the times when I'm a dad

So it's not all bad.

Still Soul

 

I’m the best dad

When my soul is still

When my brain isn’t fidgeting

When I don’t wander

From regret to anxiety

You’re almost six and three

And I can reliably make you giggle

Sometimes it’s a silly word or funny face

Sometimes a purposeful mistake

You astound me nearly every day

If I’m paying attention

You remember something I’d forgotten

Or showing me you know more than I’d ever imagined

You run full speed across the living room or kitchen

Your eyes widen as you throw a paper airplane

If my feet are planted in the present

I know how to turn around a bad moment

I’m the best dad

When my soul is still

Because I know yours is not likely to be